A British Revolution Ahead

A New (Less Great) Britain After May Elections

Tories' Revolutionary Plan to Sell Scotland

May 6th is Polling Day, and the Tories are in comfortable lead over a Labour Party in disarray. The commanding lead in the polls, putting the Conservatives at 40% over Labour's 31%, suggests a decisive majority in the next Parliament, empowering the invigorated troopers around Party Leader David Cameron to embark on revolutionary ideas that will shape a new Great Britain for generations to come.

Among the bold ideas is a complete revamp of the United Kingdom. Borders between counties and regions will be redrawn, and huge efforts will be undertaken to trigger a reverse migration out of metropolitan into rural areas, supported by a state-of-the-art infrastructure of mass transit engineered with futuristic technological know-how. A whopping £30 billion will go into the effort to ease congestion in London, Birmingham and Manchester.

But the true revolution will take place in 2013, when the very make-up of the UK will change. Two states, Northern Ireland (Province of Ulster) and Scotland will be sold, with Scotland to be leased back for 30 years, allowing for legal, budgetary and logistical issues to be resolved orderly.

The sale of Scotland - interested parties reportedly include the European Union, the Norwegian Reserve Fund (currently valued at $370 billion and financed by Norway's vast oil reserves) and the Dubai Fund - is earmarked to raise £120 - 130 billion, sufficient to finance the Conservatives' initiatives as well as reducing the humongous sovereign debt accumulated under Labour.

"The bold visions for a new England can be realised within the span of a very few years, within the next Parliament," the Shadow Chancellor George Osborne said at a Tory strategy meeting last week. "The windfall profit from the sale of Scotland is attractive as it raises enormous resources to counter-finance visionary infrastructure and building projects for everyone's benefit, will help to aid our health and education system with nearly £15 billion on top of already set budgets and will reduce the colossal Labour debts that take £100 billion in interest payments alone per year to service," Mr Osborne explained. The annual savings of £9 billion in economic development aid to Scotland which is current policy will, however, be offset by losing 50% of future oil revenues from offshore North Sea wells.

Confidential negotiations concerning the sales of Northern Ireland and Scotland are being conducted between the Tory leadership and government and EU officials in Brussels and Washington. "As the sale of the two states also changes the map of NATO, the US has to be actively involved in the changes we plan," explained Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague. "In the case of Northern Ireland, we have received keen interest from the United States government that points towards an expedient sale in the near future. The possibility to have Northern Ireland unified with the Commonwealth of Massachussetts is a very attractive avenue to take and now a distinct possibility," William Hague declared.

The US would have a firm foothold on the European continent, which would manifest the greatest expansion of its sphere of influence since the purchase of Alaska from Russia in 1910. The US government has offered £16 billion for the province, linked to a pledge to invest another $20 billion into the region's economy. The enlarged Commonwealth of Mass will have twin capitals, the "BBs", Boston & Belfast, as of January 1, 2015.

"For us it was important to spin off the Province at a good price and to a power other than the Irish Republic, for simple strategic and national security concerns. With the special relationship between the UK and the US on a rebound under our leadership, becoming direct neighbours with the United States is a foreign policy objective that the English people will benefit from for centuries to come," Mr Hague pointed out.

During the strategy meeting to fine-tune the election manifesto the debate over shedding Scotland was spirited and lively. All participants agreed that Scotland, and the Scottish electorate, are dispensible and no loss for the Party or the country. England stands to gain substantially from getting rid off a rugged and inhospitable area with sparse population and a generally uneducated peasant tribe.

Or, as I articulated it during the meeting, "Hicks in the sticks, let's deliver them to Brussels. Who'd miss the half-witted crude boors who have fleeced England for the past 200 years anyway?" 

VOTE CONSERVATIVE on May 6th!

[Off to St Pancras now to welcome someone most welcome in England]
Current Music: Astonvilla – J'Aime Regarder Les Filles