Cheetah Woods

As three lawyers working for Mr Woods (at a fee of $1,600 per hour each) have reached an injunction against British media, preventing the publication of gory details of Mr Woods's cheating nature, it has become tantamount for the pursuit of truth that outlets like CEB fill the gaps. We gladly oblige...

Unprotected sex partners Cheetah Woods and escort ho Rachel

The prowling cheetah with peculiar sex preferences has not been seen in public since the day after Thanksgiving, when he was found bleeding and semi-conscious in a neighbour's lawn, next to his damaged SUV. The Woods family celebrated the quintessential US holiday in style, culminating in Mr Woods receiving at least 2 blows to his face with golf clubs and stumbling out of the house trying an escape with his car. We know where that ended: capable to drive a golf ball 400+ metres he failed to do so with his armored tank.


Since then at least seven porn stars, groupies and escorts have come forward with juicy details on Cheetah's idea of fun without his wife. You know what they say, "all blacks look the same?" The same holds true for Cheetah's shagging buddies: all bimbos of low class, working professionally in the business of partner swapping, blonde and dumb. Last week even Mr Woods's mother-in-law had enough of the emerging details, and collapsed in the Woods mansion with stomach cramps and convulsions.


Another shocked female is Rachel Uchitel, who believed she had exclusive rights to the philandering black hero. Here she thought that she alone had catered to the cheetah's pieve of having a strap-on dildo wielding female mounting the man, only to be lectured from six others that they too delivered the lubricated service to Mr Woods. What appalled her most(!) is the fact that all seven had unprotected sex with the guy - an alarming facette of the episode given the fact that four of the seven "work" in the porn industry.


Poor Rachel is upset now and pledged to get screened now for STDs - a bit late, I say. Another whore, Holly Sampson, declared that she is no homewrecker, as the only time she spent a wild night of sex with Cheetah Woods was at his bachelor party. What a great way to start a marriage, eh?


In the meantime it has emerged that Cheetah Woods faces Capitol punishment for his straying and slumming: moves to award him with the Congressional Gold Medal - the nation's highest award for a decent civilian - have been abandoned. Mr Woods will also be dropped from several sponsors in 2010 and will certainly face ridicule each time he steps on a golf course. A consolation prize for Mr Woods might be the "Asshole Of the Month" award from Larry Flint's Hustler magazine.

THIS ARTICLE WAS PRE-POSTED ON DEC 10 DUE TO THE EDITOR'S BUSINESS TRIP TO NEWCASTLE, EDINBURGH AND ISLE OF MAN UNTIL DECEMBER 15.