A RAF helicopter pilot was forced to ditch his chopper in heavy weather behind enemy lines, near the Scottish village of Coylumbridge while on route to an air force base near Dundee.
During the crash-landing in enemy territory, Officer Jim Barker received only minor injures but the helicopter was destroyed after it burst into flames. Attracted by the fire and smoke, a frightfully looking creature emerged from the moors around the crash site. The English officer felt so terrified that he drew his signal pistol and fired at the creature from close range, hitting the animal in the stomach.
Sinking to the floor, the hit creature emitted a horrible scream resembling that of a new born baby. Officer Barker couldn't immediately identify the piece of shite as human or beast, but noticed that it was hooded and dressed in a potato sack - the customary tribal dress code for Scottish males.
Under 30-day quarantaine, LameDucks is being held at a windowless, undisclosed location
Barker approached the beastly local carefully, his pistol pointed at the hooded head. He ripped the hood from the Thing's head and was aghast over the deformities of this person. He put one foot on the pile of meat to affix him to the ground, while reaching into a pocket crudely stitched into the potato sack. Barker fetched a few print-outs of AOL logs, apparently a chatroom conversation [peppered with classy lines like: LameDucks: ladi wanna cam ? me mrs is out :-) ; who could resist such eloquent courting?]. Glancing through the lines the officer thought he apprehended a Martian, too out-of-space appeared the hi-lighted lines of a chatroom member named LameDucks.
Barker used his mobile to alert police who did not take long to fly in with several copters. A search for the missing RAF helicopter had already been mounted at that point.
Arriving police first kicked and beat the piece of meat to check for vital signs and bodily reactions to indicate that the thing on the ground is human indeed. Even though this thing only reacted with high-pitched shrieks and wincing, the unkept facial hair ascertained everyone that they had encountered a true Scot.
Police searched the pocket and retrieved a false ID with the name Kenneth Boynton, and an immediate investigation started. Computer checks revealed within minutes that the US Driving Licence was fake, and a person of that name arrested in a police sweep in North Lincolnshire earlier last week (we reported about that).
After a few good kicks into the groin, the male on the ground admitted to be known as LameDucks and RedDogXVI on AOL. Further checks revealed that this individual has been wanted for questioning in a case of grooming young girls for sexual encounters (he never succeeded) and for making death threats to female AOL members who rejected his advances. He had also registered with the NHS as a potential (duck) liver donor.
Shaved and fumigated, LameDucks was photographed by an embedded AFP reporter
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