Alerted by frantic 999 calls (911 emergency in the US) from neighbours, and by urgent contacts from the FBI field office in Minneapolis (MN) to Yorkshire police, authorities swooped in on a residence in the desolate outskirts of Scunthorpe last week. A long row of emergency vehicles was seen crawling up Somerby Rd at slow speed, spearheaded by a rusty 2-door clunker, with sputtering and misfiring engine, just as the column finally came to a halt at a house with neo-nazi graffiti and burning crosses littering the front lawn.
From the first car emerged a small man in a greasy trench coat who immediately started to give directions to firemen, police, Search & Rescue as well as Social and Child Protection personnel. Other senior law enforcement officers arrived and it quickly became clear that a huge international task force had assembled to deal with a major calamity in Keadby Village (North Lincolnshire).
Top crime fighters from several countries have converged at what is about to turn out to be a major crime scene. From New York, a bald detective named
Hijack, with a candy lollipop in the right side of his mouth, assumed the command with a thundering voice to his deputy: "Secure the area, Stavros, this is a big one!"
The small man in the drenched coat, cigar stub in the corner of his mouth and eggshells, that he had just lifted from a coat pocket, in one hand, scratched his oily hair in a gesture of befuddled perplexity, wondering aloud, "Should have boiled this egg first.... Sergeant?" Turns out the diminutive man was
Det Hohumbo from the LAPD. No sergeant to be seen in Scunthorpe this evening, for sure, and the embarrassed top cop wiped his hand along a shirt that was starched from similar previous mishaps.
Also present was a stocky, middle-aged man, slick black hair and thin mustache, dressed in a 1930's style suit. A tall gentleman at his side tried to introduce him to Detective Hijack, who in turn quipped, "What's that frog doin' here, there ain't no French connection here?!" Just as Mr Hastings was about to faint, the Private Detective
Hercules Puree [pronounced poirot] angrily shot back, "I am Belgian, you Yankee Ignoramus!" No, the investigation did not get off to a good start.
Four coppers ran up towards the dwelling and right through the main door made of thin sheet metal, dozens of other officers and the super sleuths in tow. Except for the weak glimmer of a candle in the distance the inside of the shack was in darkness and the emergency crews needed a moment to adapt to the dark. Monsieur Puree suddenly felt something hugging his legs and when he reached down his hands felt the heads of two boys. When he felt something crawling up his hands he yelled out to his friend, "Hastings! Take these creatures away from me, they have lice!"
Other cops brought in spotlights and only now did the full scope of destitute become obvious:
Forensic investigators took pictures of the kitchen before collecting evidence
The two small windows were draped by Confederate flags, and the walls full of KKK insignia. On the floor, dressed as a Ku Klux Klan grand wizard, heavy built KuKluxKendra, who operates under the AOL synonym "KKendrinUK." Next to her, covered in a white sheet with an emblem "White Pride", her cohabitant VinniePoo, also an active member on AOL as "vinnieplant." They both were initially unresponsive to questions from police, and medical staff quickly established that both suffered from monoxide poisoning and extremely high levels of blood alcohol.
In Vinnie's palm the detectives found a mobile phone that displayed a text message, "Help me! Help me outta here!" A quick check revealed that the message was sent to a respected citizen in Minnesota, and it was that individual who raised the alarm with authorities.
No wall between toilet and kitchen; inside the stove were remnants of food prepared in 2004
KuKluxKendra held a card for emergency top-ups of a gas meter in her hand. When 6 emergency staff lifted her on a gurney they discovered the meter under her, apparently ripped out of its socket. Inquiries with power supplier N-power confirmed that the dwelling had been cut off from supplies for non-payment for the past nine days. The card in the felled heavy-weight was worthless and had deep tooth marks in it.
KuKluxKendra and VinniePlant as seen in their Facebook profile
The general image of utter decay and devastation was beyond anyone's comprehension. LAPD detective Hohumbo likened it with the inside of his coat pocket but was quickly corrected by his NY colleague Hijack who mumbled, "Ain't that sweet, all this 'White Pride' and white supremacist banter on the walls and yet it looks like Harlem in the Sixties."
White Supremacist Living: along the canals of Keadby Village
With a thundering, long fart that raised the Ku Klux Klan fatigue off KuKluxKendra, one of the two adults regained consciousness. She stammered, "the pollacks, the pollacks ..." more wasn't intelligible. But police suspected for some time already that the couple provided hide-outs for illegal Eastern Europeans, extorting exorbitant rents for dismal lodging from the foreigners.
Unidentified person among the 28 illegals at the raided home;
police said he used false ID and could be wanted AOL biker Kpiper78 from Illinois
After a thorough search of the cellars as well as the attic, twenty-eight undocumented aliens were discovered and provided with First Aid and driven off to alternate accommodations. At that point the DCI Tennison arrested the dwelling's owners.
As KuKluxKendra was led out in handcuffs, Det Hohumbo turned towards her and said, "Oh, one more thing, ma'am... you see... my wife's birthday is coming up, and I never know what to get her... so this year she told me that a tent would be a nice gift, so we can go fishing and camping..." KukluxKendra, visibly annoyed and seething, snapped back at him, "So? What has that to do with me?!" To which Det Hohumbo replied, "no need to get nasty, ma'am. I was just wondering about... about your knickers, they seem to be the perfect size... how much were they?"
FACT FILE: Keadby Village
5.2 square miles in size, Kidby has 377 inhabitants [2007], making the clan living at the raided dwelling 1.1% of the outlet's total population. It is situated along a canal leading to the river Trent, and just 2 miles west of Scunthorpe. The village is prone to annual flooding which helps to keep the location somewhat tidy. In bad years of droughts, however, typical diseases associated with poor sanitation and hygiene break out.
The average income per household in Keadby is £7,448 per year, far below the North East average of £14,956 [2006].
There are two pubs on the canal side - The Barge Inn and The Auld South Yorkshire. There is also a chip shop, a working men's club, a small Post Office and a local shop.
Part 2: Not all 'Pollacks' came from Poland; read about who came to dinner at the raided home. [15 November 2009]
