AOL Splinters

Within 10 minutes of the announcement that Britain's heir to the throne would get married 'some time next year,' a huffing and panting oversized regular of Anglochat blitzed the unsuspecting members with the news that "I'm gonna be at the Royal wedding!"

After the "ooh's and aahh's" of the ambushed crowd had subsided, and the potential party-crashing nutter had caught her breath, someone dared to point out that no wedding date had been announced yet. Feeling caught out again, the Colossus of Rogues - visibly shaken and embarrassed - quickly hissed, "Am goin' regardless, me and me 'Manda, after our cruise out of Miami," and pressed the Anglochat's panic button to drop out with great haste through the trap door which member LaChateauEURO@aol.com had previously installed for such precious moments in AOL's trademark arena for the insane.

Leaves the question of who is "'manda?" Our New York correspondent unearthed some facts about 10-year old Amanda, often referred to as "Tasmanian Devil" in Anglochat. For a long time it was suspected to be the spawn of Satan, or that it may have been aborted from a bulging piñata on Cinco de Mayo in the year 1999. Newly recovered documents, however, shed new light on the origins of 'Amanda' now.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's been a brilliant year so far (minus the broken arm), and a lot of reasons to be grateful for.

We're off to a lavish traditional dinner tonight, and unquestionably will we need a weekend to recover from it.

Traitors - in London and Dublin alike

The Conservative-led government betrays once again a 'red line':
Sending more than $12 billion to Dublin, and to bolster the eurozone without being a member, is a travesty. For decades Ireland bragged as an economic role model, financed with more than $46 billion from Brussels over a period of 15 years, which the EU agreed to transfer to Dublin to coerce the half of the island into the eurozone.

The word of Irish politicians is worth nothing. On Saturday the government affirmed that it will not seek help from the eurozone. On Sunday they crawled on their knees and begged for $128 billion. To assist Ireland would not be so disgusting if it coincided with the transfers of powers from Dublin to London. It is obvious that the Irish cannot - and must not be allowed - to govern themselves. It is repulsive to think that Britain needs to borrow funds at 4.5% and will lend to Ireland at a rate of 2.75% p.a.

It would only be balancing the immorality of the past to give development aid to Ireland now on the condition that it leaves the eurozone.

This article constitutes the termination of my support for Prime Minister Cameron.

Horseing Around

The clock has started to tick for yet another equine member of the Royals. Ever since Charly, the Prince of Whales, has confided to an American tabloid that his two-legged consort would be called Queen - once his mother and real queen has been carried out of Buckingham Palace - some sinister albeit familiar conspirators have swung into action to prevent the unthinkable.

Camilla Park-er-Bowels and HRH Princess Anne at a recent photo-op

It will be again up to Prince Philip and his phoney pharaoh chum Muhamad Al-Fayed, the Egyptian carpet trader, to concoct a plan to preserve the purity of the inbreds. Philip called his son yesterday to 'congratulate' him for his "dutiful aspirations" but also added that, if they were in the same room now, he would lash Charly's bare bottom with a birchtree branch until "the camel's back breaks". The conversation was leaked to us by someone within MI5.

Charly remained unfazed by his father's strong-armed threat and retorted, "I have been a tampon inside Camilla already, blood don't [sic] impress me much dad."

In the meantime, the plot thickens. Al-Fayed offered the service of a French driver ("Henri has rosy cheeks, is jolly and always ready for a tipple, or two, or 3, or 14") and also a 'very safe, armor-plated Mercedes 600'. Philip asked to put the couple up at some stables around Paris, and Fayed obliged by reserving a suite at the Hotel Ritz for the pair.

This morning a huge white "X" mysteriously appeared on the second concrete pillar of the underpass at the Pont de l'Alma along the banks of River Seine.

It seems all the prep work has been done.





Some readers may find this article disturbing and offensive. However, great effort has been put into this posting to make it suitable for readers of all ages and IQs. None of the animals involved have suffered in the wake of writing this article, and no products of beastly origins shall be entered into the food chain or offered for sale.

United Queendom

Britain is the drabbest country of Europe, with the exception of London (many argue that London should declare itself independent and proclaim a status of city state like Singapore). Economic crisis, derelict townships and chav-savaged inner cities, no sun and wind-swept; the United Queendom presents itself today as a recession hit theme park, deserted by visitors and with brittling facades rendering it into an unmasked Potemkin village.

With gloom and doom abound, news breaks that the #2 in line to ascend to the throne of the Germanic make-belief fiefdom (after all, it exchanged its name of noble lineage from Saxe-Coburg & Gotha into Windsor(e) some years back, to lure more American tourists through its gates after WW-I) is about to get married to a commoner. While it's good to see that two bright and well educated people tie the knot, and even present themselves uncharacteristically attractively for Brits, the nuptiles do nothing to improve the image of the country, let alone to pull the nation out of the doldrums of general decline.

The world laughs once again at Britain, but Brits mis-interpret the global appearance of bemusement and condescending grimaces as shared expressions of merriment. I approve of, and wish the best of luck to the future couple, which so far seems to have done everything right to break with the tradition of crumbled marriages and dysfunctional relationships which are hallmarks of the world's ugliest monarchy to the naked eye.

London added a new feature to bolster its reputation as the world's top city, rich of cultural diversity and a haven of tolerance: a previously unthinkable French-only radio station hit the airwaves today (link: http://www.frenchradiolondon.com/french/listen-live/?v=1 )

It's a fitting response to the insecure Gallics, who impose circumspectively severe on-the-air restrictions on their media outlets to prevent the use of such potentially corrupting foreign words like 'computer' instead of the complex and elaborate 5-word French term for it (which we decided to ban here). Any French radio station is prohibited to air a greater than 10% share of its playtime with non-French language music.

French Radio London is an enrichment for the country; a warm welcome to London!

L'art de vivre

Emily invited me and 2 of her girlfriends to a restaurant last night. It was the - gasp - La Tour D'Argent! The setting, cuisine and service were exceptional; no wonder we stayed from 8:30pm until past midnight.

When the moment came to fetch my AMEX card, Emily leaned gently over to me, blinked with her lashes innocently and assured me, "it's all taken care of, mon chéri." No bill presented, no moneys exchanged; she had it all previously arranged. And the fact that at the next table dined Catherine Deneuve and her entourage, and Emily struck up a brief conversation with her, only added to the classy evening out.

After dropping in at the Bus Palladium for a while, enjoying some leg exercises on the dancefloor, which I enjoyed especially after the de-casting of my left arm on the previous day, we finally arrived back home just after 3. Tonight we're invited to her mother's place in Neuilly.

Posted via BlackBerry

Salut!

Je suis arrivé à Paris

... and my luggage as well

DEMAIN:
La capitale accueille le Festival International de la Photographie Culinaire et ses instantanés gourmands.

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Long-term plan: 2012

I habitually hate to make long-term plans, enjoying spontaneity and last-minute surprises too much. But this is a sizzling ticket worthwhile to drop anything and attend:

Lang Lang's first complete Beethoven Piano Concerto cycle in London
Heralded as the 'hottest artist on the classical music planet’ by the New York Times, 27-year-old Lang Lang has played sold out recitals and concerts in every major city in the world. In 2008 over 5 billion people viewed his performance in Beijing's opening ceremony for the Games of the XXIX Olympiad (3.8 billion tuned out from the Games afterwards) and the following year he was named as one of Time Magazine's 100 most influential people.

Following his sold-out in-the-round performance at the Royal Albert Hall in 2010, Lang Lang returns to the Hall in March 2012 to perform his complete Beethoven Piano Concerto cycle for the first time ever in London. He will be joined by the acclaimed conductor Esa-Pekka Salonen and the Philharmonia Orchestra.
Programme:

Tuesday 20 March 2012, 7.45pm

Beethoven - Overture, Namensfeier, Op. 115
Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 1
Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 4

Wednesday 21 March 2012, 7.45pm - - that's the one I will attend!

Beethoven - Overture, Leonore No. 2, Op. 72a
Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 2
Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 3

Friday 23 March 2012, 7.45pm

Beethoven - Overture, King Stephen
Beethoven - Symphony No. 4
Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 5, Emperor

Sadly, I will miss a brilliant evening at RAH on the 25th, trading a fab concert for a Thanksgiving Party instead. And as my fork and knife dig into some roasted bird and its stuffing, my mind will wander to a concert that I shall miss:
Bruch's phenomenally successful Violin Concerto No.1 - performed by Nicola Benedetti - and it is framed by two English masterworks: Elgar's (yes indeed!)  Cockaigne Overture and Holst's celebrated Planets Suite.

Sniggers with the N-iggers

Filed by our correspondent at the Los Angeles Bureau

Pretty much everyone receives unwanted e-mail from time to time. My weekly review of the SPAM folder routinely reveals unmarked/anonymous proof of illiteracy at various levels.

AOL members usually lead the list of the insane, with most senior member Netcitizen2006@aol.com claiming the undisputed top spot. The senior whigger, who is a day labourer in the avocado fields outside Oxnard, California, subscribes to dozens of gay porn sites and shares his passion - you guessed it - by linking your screen name to these websites. As he is no smarter than a California Raisin, with looks that match the mind, as he leaves his footprints all over the place, and the porn website will advise you that "your new subscription has commenced thanks to your friend Netcitizen2006@aol.com."

Peculiar as it is, he also sends such invites to female AOL members and girls of age 16-20. All this despite previous convictions for various crimes such as check-hiking, larceny, shoplifting, indecent exposure, grand theft, possession of indecent child images, fraud and public disturbance. Convictions, as far as we managed to trace them, were levelled against Netcitizen2006@aol.com in 1962, 1964, 1967, 1971, 1973, 1978, 1980, 1981 and 1984 (after introduction of the "3 times you're out" legislation, under which a third conviction for a crime leads to automatic incarceration for life, even Netcitizen@aol.com realised that it's too risky to carry on). He spent at least 8 years in various penitentiaries, most notably in the men's colony of San Louis Obispo, Pleasant Valley State Prison (Coalinga) and Vacaville, all in California. Vacaville prison is also the permanent residence of a Charles Manson, Kennedy assassin Sirhan Sirhan is held in PVSP, while several members of his gang that butchered Roman Polanski's wife and seven others are imprisoned in SLO. Hard core criminals, just like Netcitizen2006@aol.com

"Netcitizen2006" at a 2001 court appearance in Simi Valley, found not guilty on charges of sexual abuse of under-aged boys for reasons of diminished responsibility

But the point I would really like to make is to warn the public of a scam to defraud from N-iggers: Nigeria rooted thugs (iggers) that are dumb enough to concoct scams so infantile and retarded that only they believe in them enough to go public with them and expect some unsuspecting fellow N-igger to respond and become entrapped.

Case in point is this crudely composed plot that supposedly entitles me to $10 million from people and companies I have never heard of before. As I said, only some dirty skinned fucks in Uncle Tom's, Dick's and Harry's Hut believe in their tales as they disseminate their imbecile compositions into your mailbox.

This particular SPAM even dared to fake the F.B.I. as the original source. For reasons to maintain the authenticity of the circular I left the niggerish grammar and orthographical errors unchanged.

Rush of blood to the head

Quiet chaotic scenes this afternoon at Party HQ:
first came some anarchist elements among students who protest the changes of tuition fees and general costs to studying in Britain. They left their trademark swath of destruction in the reception area of the Millbank Tower, and some staff from the Tory HO had to abandon their positions, either to be sent home or using our offices. Damage is reportedly significant over at #21, some injuries too, and around 40 riot police have taken up position inside. Unprecedented, all that.

As the Mayor said, a minority of thugs have hijacked the agenda of students who exercise their right to protest. The rampage inside Millbank Tower cannot be justified and I hope that police bloodies the intruders and drags them off to jail.

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For Fawkes' Sake

Tonight is bonfire night, and chances that the House of Parliament will come under renewed subterranean attack are slim. Since Labour was chased out of the halls of power in London things have calmed down considerably, and the hands-on approach for serious reforms and productive work under Tory leadership begins to take hold. The world embraces the Conservative-led cabinet: LSE traded shares are at a 2-year high, and Sterling enjoys an ascent from the Labour lows against the dollar ($1.62 as of late, from 1.44 when Labour was doomed by the electorate).

Nevertheless, this is Guy Fawkes Day, and - thanks to our Mayor - the much trumpeted strike by London's firemen has been called off; just in the nick of time before we had gone up in smoke here. Besides our stroll along the embankment to watch the fireworks, and heading to a Camden party at midnight, we'll limit our conspiratory ambitions to fixing Gunpowder Tea from Twinings; no implied pun nor commercial pull intended. I wonder how the Royals feel tonight, trying to remember, remember...

For those who like to learn more about the plot to kill  summarily King and Parliament from the comfort of their armchair, here's the link to a fun game to blow up the Commons as often as you wish (if you fail to answer questions correctly):
http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/interactive/games/gunpowder/index_embed.shtml

Want to click and fire off fireworks yourself?
http://maylin.net/Fireworks.html


Have a safe one everybody!

VOTE 2010

It's election night, and I will attend a polling event at the embassy starting midnight. A lot is at stake, and Obama and his cohort Democrats are facing a humiliating setback. All 435 Congressional seats are up for grabs, and my prediction is that the current Democrat majority of 39 will turn into a Republican majority of 15-20.

In the Senate 37 of the 100 seats are contested. The current 9-seat majority of the Democrats will - according to this expert - melt into a one-seat edge as the Rep's pick up 8 seats tonight. Watch the current majority leader Harry Reid (D, NV) lose his seat...

Finally there are 37 gubernatorial and State House races, with California as the top prize. I hope for, but don't expect, that the successor of Arnold Schwarzenegger will be a Republican: the resurfaced 1980's governor Jerry Brown could prove too popular and with great name recognition to be beaten.

UPDATE [10:03AM]
Republicans swept the House, capturing a comfortable majority. The Senate remains in Democratic hands with a reduced margin of 51:47 (from 57:40), plus 2 Independent but Democratic leaning senators. 37 Senate seats were contested, 19 from the Dem's and 18 from the Rep's. Republicans won the seats in Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Illinois (seat previously held by Barack Obama), Utah, Arkansas, Indiana and North Dakota. Disappointing is the re-election of Sen Harry Reid (NV), who will remain Senate Majority Leader.

All 435 Congressional seats have been up for election and the current Republican gains of 60 seats (10 more seats are subject to recount) to secure a 239:185 majority constitute a landslide victory. The much behated Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been re-elected in her seat, but will be ousted as Speaker of the House. President Obama loses a close, albeit incompetent power base in Congress.

Notable in the 37 Gubernatorial races is the election of Jumpin' Jack Jerry Brown in California (D, 54%), the election of Scott (R, 48.8%) in Florida and the election of dago Andrew Cuomo (D, 61.5%), son of previous Gov Mario Cuomo, in New York.

Of the many Propositions nation-wide the one in California to legalize the "recreational" marijuana use failed by 54-46 per cent.